The One About My Crazy Life

Have you ever been so stressed to the point that you just wanted to break down and cry? That has been my week so far. I have been nothing but stressed and frazzled all week. Actually all semester. I have yet to figure out if I have a restoration week trip, I am now taking an independent study, I am working to pay for said independent study, I was supposed to write and post a blog post Monday, and I also just have my regular classes. I have been struggling in Economics, and it doesn’t help that that class doesn’t have a syllabus.  And I have observation hours to get done. The stress is very real and sometimes it feels very inescapable. It is hard for me to find peace and quiet, or a time to rest in the craziness that is my life. I am constantly running back and forth and it has been really easy for my to push God to the side. I always come up with some excuse. Oh I need to get this done. I need to grab food before I study, I’ll read my Bible later. I need to sleep now, I’ll pray twice tomorrow at breakfast. I find all these excuses, and put God on the back burner, and then I get REALLY stressed. I have learned that I feel so much better when I find time to relax and get into the Word, when I listen to artists like Tenth Avenue North, Casting Crowns and Crowder, or when I am talking to Him. During my Bible study group today, we talked about how not only do we need church related hobbies but hobbies that are outside of church. I love writing, reading and painting. But when I keep myself busy, I don’t have time to de-stress. I have learned that it is difficult for me stop stressing when I am not putting God first in my life and taking time to do the things that I love. Lately I have de-stressed by watching "Friends". When I seek Him, He gives me rest. When things get crazy, I need to take a deep breathe, talk to God, and remember He’s got me.

Matthew 11:28

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

You Are More

This weekend I given the opportunity to go to Winter Jam in Peoria. I was so excited to see some of my favourite artists such as Britt Nicole, Tenth Avenue North, Colton Dixon, Newsong and David Crowder. So after church I went to the civic center with my friends and got there five hours early. My friend and I stood in the wrong line for at least ten minutes, then ordered pizza so we could eat while in line. During those five hours I was able to bond with friends from school, friends from camp and the youth group from my home church. When they let us in, we went through metal detectors and I got seperated from my group and was ushered into the area outside of the arena. I found my friend and they opened the doors and I was swept away by the large crowd. We found our seats and the pre show started. The whole concert was amazing. I knew most of the songs, and I was able to hear the song “You Are More” by Tenth Avenue North. That song really hit me. I have often looked in the mirror and saw all the things I wasn’t and all the times I had failed. I saw only my flaws. I saw the weight I gained since going to school, and broken out face. I saw the mistakes I made and the failures in my life, and a lot of times I feel as if I have fallen too far for anyone to love, and sometimes I question how a perfect God can love someone who has made so many mistakes she has lost count of them all. I have asked myself if I am too broken for someone to love. Sometimes I feel like I have fallen too far to even love myself. I realized this past week that I have been finding my beauty, self worth and identity in the standards and opinions of the world. I have been defining myself by my grades and the way others see me, when I should have been focusing on how God sees me. I am the daughter of the One True King and to Him I am beautiful and exactly how I am meant to be. No matter how many mistakes I make or what the world thinks of me, He will not leave me. I have been trying to comprehend this concept all weekend, and I still haven’t completely wrapped my mind around it. But my goal is to learn to stop seeing myself through the world’s eyes, and start remembering who I belong to, the Mighty King.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalms 139:13-14

“You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.”

Tenth Avenue North- You are More

How He Loves

Love is in the air. The aisles of Walmart are overflowing with heart shaped boxes of chocolate, valentine cards and giant stuffed animals. People are buying flowers for their significant other or family members, and couples have started to make dinner reservations for their date night. Yes, Valentine’s Day is drawing near, and with each passing day I realize that once again, I will be alone again. The thought has always weighed me down. I am a strong believer in love and a helpless romantic. I have read all the books and watched all the movies (including Hallmark movies) and even written the stories about it. They’re about how the girl meets the guy, they fall in love, the guy (or girl, sometimes) messes up or there is some misunderstanding and they push the other away, then in some The Notebook-esque moment, a grand gesture is made, then they get back together and live “happily ever after”. I know the story line inside and out, believe me. And every year when Valentine’s Day comes around I am forced to stomach the idea of spending the day alone, and sometimes that is hard for me. I have always been one who wanted that storybook, picture perfect movie love. But this year it is different. Yes, I am still single, but this year I am not bitter or upset by that idea. I don’t have that overwhelming sense of loneliness. And let me tell you, it is amazing. I have started to focus on myself and my relationship with God, and with guidance of professors and friends from school, I have learned so much. The biggest thing I have learned is that I just need to focus on me, my relationship with God, serving Him, and just living my life. He is a jealous God, and He wants all of me and my heart. He wants to be #1 in my life, even if I am in a relationship. When I think about this, the song “How He Loves” comes to mind. If you haven’t heard it, some of the lyrics are “He is jealous for me. Love like a hurricane I am a tree.” He wants me. I find it amazing that He wants me, a dirty sinner. I have failed Him more times than I can count, and I will continue to do so no matter how hard I try. When I think about it, I am not alone this year for Valentine’s Day. I have the greatest love ever. He has suffered for me, and wants me even though I fail Him daily. He was mocked, beaten, forced to carry the cross He was going to die on while being spit on, then He was nailed to a cross and suffered a horrible death for me. He is my love. He is the only one I need. I will follow Him, love Him, praise Him and serve Him. When I am able to give Him all of me, then maybe He will introduce me to a man. But until that day, I will continue to serve, follow and grow in my relationship with Him. This Valentine’s day I am going to love myself and fall deeper in love with God.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

“... he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant,  being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself  by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:7-8

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us…” 1st John 3:16